Just...

One thing I truly do not understand is why this hurts so much. I don't understand why I always feel like this when leave on bad terms or when we fight or when we even so much as become slightly upset.
This time around feels so real. I'm finally leaving for a long time and you're going to be leaving in a matter of months. That was one of the last times we'll spend more than a couple of minutes with each other for a few years, and we messed it up.
I want to be able to tell you everything I feel. I want to blurt it all out, lay it all down. I want to be completly honest with you. I want to let it all go on you. Yet, my mind and my tongue get all tangled up and sseem to overpower my heart. I can't just say whatever I feel, I can't go around telling you every piece of my soul. Where would that get me? Where has that EVER gotten me?
I feel sick keeping secrets from you. I feel sick knowing that I can't even begin to explain how this makes me feel.
I want to tell you that I know everything will be okay. I want to tell you, I'll do anything to change this. I'll be anything I need to be because this is all I want. This is all I have ever wanted. I can't believe it took me this long to figure that out.
I'd give anything to take this all back, to make everything be okay again so this could all be good. I'd give anything to make you happy and see you smile.
Just know that you haven't let me down. You have never let me down.
But I am sorry for letting YOU down.
And all I can do now is hope that everything will turn out okay and someday in the future it will turn out the way it is supposed to.

<33*angie