I'm just tired tonight (morning?). I'm tired of letting myself get wrapped up in the same old routine. I just want to slap myself and ask myself, "What are you thinking right now?!"
I don't understand my own motives or what I want, and I'm tired of not being happy. I hear all of these people saying, "Yeah, you just LET yourself be happy and BAM! You're happy." No I really don't think it works like that.
It seems I regret too much these days, and it seems I don't see what's right in front of me. Instead of looking at the entire picture, I seem to be focused on one tiny little spot at a time.
I'm tired of letting myself get walked on. Why do I do it? I don't even know, but it's like one person comes along and pretends to care. No matter how much that person hurts me, uses me, lies to me, plays with me, I keep caring, keep coming back, keep eating up everything. Why? I hate to lose people, people of any kind.
Then maybe a good person comes along, but I'm too wrapped up in being lied to, to see anything, and good people don't wait around forever.
Maybe my mindset is skewed. Maybe I think someone else can MAKE me happy, but I don't think it works like that either. I just don't know how to be happy right now. It seems to be all I want, but it's right out of my reach.